I was asked today by someone who was very angry with another person, how to get rid of the anger. She was so angry at what someone had done in the past and that it had never been remedied. She went on to recount every thing she had done wrong in the past and how she made amends. Her anger was so big it was consuming her. You could tell that if she did not release some of it, she was going to make her self sick. She was also enrolling others into her anger, this not only increasing her anger but influencing others to join in the anger. It was a vicious cycle and she could not calm down.
I reminded her that part of the anger was because she had false expectations of how the other one would behave. Just because you would do something with integrity not every one else does. I told her to drop the expectations and recognize that that is how that person behaved and it was done. That person was not going to return, change their behavior and make it ok. It was what it was. Now I did this with firm kindness. To allow her to stay in the what if stage would not have helped her let go.
The next thing I taught her was to use the anger to fuel the solution. Take the energy she is using being angry and talking about it over and over and create a solution on her end. What could she do on her end to make what was better. Were there things she could do or let go of. We came up with some ideas. Now that energy that was festering had a helpful purpose knowing full well the other person would not be effected, changed or asked to participate.
Then she had to stop enrolling others into the anger. It was causing a synergy of anger that kept growing bigger. Plus every time she went over the story she was traumatizing herself. So stop reliving the situation, go towards a solution and realize that you may handle things differently.
Some tips to getting rid of the anger:
Take a deep breathe.
Decide your next steps.
What can I do to make this ok on my end?
What can I let go of?
Let go of your expectations.
Stop talking about it over and over.
Don’t enroll others into your anger.
Use that energy towards a solution.
It is ok to get mad or upset now and again, we are human. It is when we let anger consume us that we need to release it as soon as possible. To stay in the anger only makes it fester and grow, and it will make you physically and emotionally sick.
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